Wife, Mother, Mother-In-Law, Nana, Sister, Sister-In-Law, Aunt. Niece, Cousin, Friend............................these are the relationships which have defined who I am. My journey through this life, as "diaryofanut" will attest, has been and continues to be, greatly enriched through my everyday interactions with each person who has lovingly been placed in my world.
This blog is dedicated to ""Crick" my DH (dear husband) who christened me a "nut" at the end of one of our many heated, vigorous and often times entertaining "discussions". Of course, he always failed to see how exasperating his perpetually optimistic "just be happy you woke up and were able to put two feet on the floor" personality could grate on the single "realistic" nerve of an OCD plagued wife :). The blog continues to tell the story that began on the CaringBridge website which provided updates to our family and friends as to Crick's progress as he battled small cell lung cancer, diagnosed in late October, 2010. After his death one year later, I found it difficult to give up sharing with others how God's abundant blessings graced our family with comfort, hope, strength and peace throughout our emotional journey.
And so it seems to have become my "mission" to honor all of those who have "walked the walked" with us, cried with us and laughed with us by giving testimony to the reality that there really are "angels among us". And that they are "sent down to us from somewhere up above" ............"they come to you and me in our darkest hour, to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love".
Sometimes a song finds its way into our lives at just the right moment, touching feelings we have carried quietly in our hearts for years. This was certainly true for me when a song called Air—a lyrical adaptation of Johann Sebastian Bach’s Air on the G String—unexpectedly appeared in a random YouTube search a week ago. As I listened, the hauntingly beautiful music reached deep into my soul, stirring emotions that even my legendary stoicism couldn’t quite contain.
Whether a melody is sad or melancholy, joyful and uplifting, tender and heartfelt, or achingly heartbreaking, music has always had a unique way of touching places in my heart that ordinary words cannot reach. Sometimes a song captures exactly what I’m feeling; other times, it awakens memories and emotions I didn’t even realize were still there.
Something about this particular song touched a place deep within me. Perhaps it was because November 2nd marks 15 years since Crick’s passing from this earthly life and as I listened to the lyrics, I found myself thinking about our marriage and how two people can, in the truest sense, become home to one another. There is something profoundly beautiful about being loved by someone who truly knows you—not just the person the world sees, but the person beneath the surface, with all your hopes and fears, strengths and weaknesses, and the vulnerabilities you may not readily share with others. To be known so completely and loved so faithfully is a gift beyond measure. It is the comfort of knowing that, no matter what life brings, there is someone with whom you can be entirely yourself, someone who has shared your journey and whose presence makes the world feel a little less daunting.
And when that person is no longer physically by your side, you feel the absence in ways that are difficult to explain. The years may pass, and life may continue to unfold, but the heart remembers. Sometimes, a letter, a memory, or even a song can bring the past close enough to touch, reminding us not only of whom we have lost, but also of the extraordinary gift of having loved and been loved so deeply.
My Catholic faith offers another source of comfort. While the pain of separation is real, so is my hope in God’s promise of eternal life. I believe that death does not have the final word and that the love we share in this life is not rendered meaningless by our earthly separation. Perhaps that is why Air has touched me so deeply at this particular time. I hear in its lyrics, not necessarily the meaning its writer may have intended, but rather the heart speaking to someone who remains deeply loved, even across the silence of death. The song reminds me that fifteen years without Crick’s physical presence does not mean fifteen years without the love we shared. That love continues to shape my life, live in my memories, and influence the person I am today. Perhaps it is this beautiful blending of earthly love, spiritual connection, and the hope of something eternal that makes the song so comforting to me.
I share this song because I suspect many of us carry a love like this—a love that time cannot erase and loss cannot diminish. We may find ourselves smiling at a memory one moment and wiping away a tear the next. Both are part of the journey. Neither means we have failed to move forward. They simply remind us that someone we loved deeply will always matter.
As I mark this 15th anniversary, I am reminded of how blessed I was to love Crick and to be loved by him. I am grateful for the years we had, for our children and grandchildren, for the memories that remain, and especially for the faith that sustains me when the longing returns.
May God hold us close when we miss those who have gone before us, comfort us in our sorrow, and keep alive in us the hope that love, in its deepest and truest form, is never wasted, never forgotten, and endures beyond the boundaries of this earthly life.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud… Love never fails.”
“The life given us by nature is short, but the memory of a life well spent is eternal.”
“The first two years I thought Crick was crazy. I just wasn’t used to him and the way he was always goofing off and pushing everyone’s buttons. Over the years I have come to consider him a really good friend and more like a brother than a father-in-law. What I have realized the last few years is that he always did understand me. We could talk and nothing was ever forced, it was always real and he always listened when I needed him to. He would always take my side when the women would gang up on us, and of course, we would instigate everything.”
“He is a man’s man. Well, he has not only championed that sentiment, but has done one BETTER………he is a kid’s kid!”
“I remember when Crick took us outside one winter to build, not just a typical snowman, but our very own igloo!! We built it so big it lasted until almost spring! He also helped me to buy my very first car, it was a stick shift and he helped me learn how to drive it and, after many hours of practice, he suggested that we take the car for a test drive up Cooke Rd. to see if I could handle it on a hill. Well…..I couldn’t make it up the first hill and we kept drifting backwards toward the car behind us. Finally, Crick put his foot over mine on the accelerator and away we went. I think his exact words to me were, “Well, you can always sell this car to someone else!”. He would always beg me to walk on his back and promise to give me all of the change in his pocket. Boy, was I naive, thinking I was going to make a lot of money. But……..he did teach me the value of a quarter!!! Over the years, Crick would put a lot on his back for our family.”
“Crick was fortunate to have many of his teenage family and friends as his employees during his management days at Friendly’s (or I should say, we were lucky enough to have him employ us!). As a freshman in college, Crick gave me the confidence to become a supervisor and while I didn’t believe that I could handle the responsibility, he put me right out there and trusted that I could! He saw a potential in me at that age that I had didn’t even know existed. When we were younger he would take all of us kids hiking during our “Clark cabin trips” and using his army “skills” would take us on quite an adventure down some incredible hills. He would also hand out to us his army rations to sample…………yuk!!”
“I started thinking about how long I have known Crick…………it has been basically my whole life!! I remember sitting in our living room on Oakland Park and talking into a reel to reel tape recorder to say “hi” to him when he was stationed in Korea and then he would send the tape back to us so that we could hear his voice. I remember Mom making me clean the basement before his wedding to MM in order to display all of the priceless wedding gifts (wonder if they have any left!). Funny to think now, that I was one of the altar servers at their wedding!! Crick was also there for Jimmy……there was the day that Jimmy was hiding in the bushes in front of our house and Crick went out to gently remind Jimmy that he was at home and not back in Viet Nam. Who else but a veteran like Crick could have known what Jimmy was going through. Crick was also there when I was going to enlist in the Army Reserves and he was going to make sure that I ended up in his unit so that he could watch over me………..he even went to the commander to make sure this would happen. For some reason I never did enlist, but I always knew that Crick was going to be there for me. Crick has been and always will be one of my brothers!!”
“I developed a friendship with “Mr. Jim” at Glacier Ridge Elementary. Our relationship was always of a fun nature! I tutored students after school and of course, Jim made us regular visits. In return, we would pull his vacuum cleaner plug, toss candy wrappers on his tidied floor and turn lights out, to name a few of the things we did to get him to react. Jim and I quickly became friends and always had fun with our antics. Yet, we could also have wonderful discussions on life. He became a real friend to me as we both shared in common the closeness of our own families. Jim will be missed by more people that we can fathom and I know that Jim will be meeting my Mom in heaven and making her laugh like he always made me!”
“It seems like a long time ago that Crick and I were standing on the field at St. Michael’s in our wildly unprotective football gear……paper thin shoulder pads, helmets with no face guards or chin straps, and for me……fearing the fact that I would have to tackle his older brother, John as he came blasting through the line. Life seems to warp into hyper-speed as we grow older. I must say that although Crick and I were never terribly close growing up, I have fond memories of him: caddying with him at York Temple, the fact that he seemed to instinctively know how car engines worked, and how he always exuded this sort of Gary Cooper type……. tall, dependable, good-hearted vibe, even as a kid. And if his presence is still felt by someone as distant as I am to him, I can only imagine what his presence means to all of those who are truly close to him. It speaks volumes about how Crick has journeyed through this life.”
Message to Crick………while God has you in His keeping, be assured that your family holds you forever in their hearts………. Always, Always, Always.
(I came across this “blast from the past” (2014) and just had to share one more time!)
And so it begins…………………….. the writing of my 49th “diaryofanut” post!! I vowed to myself last night that I would tackle this writing task today no matter what interrupted my day. I must admit that the “interruption” I had in mind had more to do with taking care of, or being visited by, my grandchildren, but what actually threatened to derail my commitment to this blog was the political e-mail I received this morning followed by a political article that I read!! I can clearly hear the collective sighs issuing forth from all of my long-suffering family. I know that they are all praying that I will “fall off of my political soapbox” before I write something that will further stigmatize me, and by association, them as well. You know, I honestly have been trying very, very hard to quell my “ranting” about politics these days. I also know that my family has been trying equally hard to prevent any utterance of a political nature when they are around me, lest I lapse into some incoherent tirade. It seems that my genetic make-up is one which precludes me from “sitting on the fence” and just “‘letting sleeping dogs lie” when I find a cause to which I am totally dedicated. At this point, it seems appropriate to give a little shout out to my very dear Aunt Evie (who departed from this life in 2010 at age 94) to whom I owe my “great awakening”. You see Aunt Evie was an avid talk radio listener who possessed an insatiable curiosity about everyone and everything………….oh, and by the way, she also thoroughly enjoyed her nightly “cocktail” and smoking her Virginia Slims Ultra-Light Menthol 120’s!!!. I usually called her every night to chitchat about the day’s events, and so it was that in April of 2008 as the two of us were engaged in our typical light-hearted discussion, she became very insistent in asking me who was this person, Bill Ayers, whose association with the then Democratic presidential candidate, Barack Obama, was the top news story. Now at that particular moment in time, my radio dial was set to 1460 AM which happens to be our local sports station, and the only thing I knew for certain was that Bill Ayers had absolutely nothing to do with sports! Beyond that, I had no clue as to who he was or why he would be deemed newsworthy. At any rate, I promised her that I would Google his name and report back to her the next evening. That, my dear readers, was the beginning of the saga of this “right-wing” nut!!! I think even Aunt Evie lived long enough to regret having ever asked the question that unleashed the “sleeping giant”!! LOL I do know from my sisters, that Aunt Evie would occasionally confess to them her worry that I was going to make myself sick if I continued to become so animated and upset about politics. Aunt Evie…………..I truly do thank you……your thirst for knowledge compelled me to become more inquisitive about the who, what, when, where and why of some of life’s most perplexing issues. ♥
Aunt Evie on a motorcycle in the game room at the old Buckeye Hall of Fame Cafe.
Switching gears entirely…………….Easter 2014 was a truly a unique experience for even the Clark family. Christine unwittingly put out an e-mail invitation for an Easter dinner gathering at the old homestead. Do you think she was surprised when she received replies that 67 of her closest family members RSVP’d that they were happily attending??!!!! More to the point…………….was Mike surprised???????? We all thought Christmas at 104 could never be topped, but I do believe this Easter gathering was one for the record books. Fortunately, the weather cooperated and the front porch, the backyard deck, the basketball court were all put to good use……..even the Easter egg hunt went off without a hitch!!
Who are all of these people and what are they doing in my yard????? was asked by #1. Christine #2. Leah/Erin/Katie/Tori #3. Mike
I have a question…………………..do you suppose there is any way the powers to be could come up with a way to speed up the game of baseball???? I know that the MLB went in exactly the opposite direction this season with the new “instant” replay (now there is an oxymoron, if I ever heard one!!!). Everyone knows that I love the Yankees, but even at that, the plodding slowness of the game from the rituals the pitcher goes through before he throws the pitch, to the rituals the batter goes through before and after he steps into the batters box, to the ritual of the catcher, the pitching coach and/or the manager when they walk out to the mound to talk to the pitcher…………omgosh…………it sometimes makes me want to scream for mercy!!!!!!!!!! Oh dear, I am beginning to feel the “Carole syndrome” :) coming on as the whiner and complainer in me is showing, but it is only to defend myself for feeling guilty about not wanting to hang out for the seven or nine innings of the grand-kids’ games. Megan called me at 6:30 PM the other night as I was planning to catch one of Natalie’s games which was slated to begin at 6 PM. I was just pulling out my driveway when my cell rang and Megan asked if I had forgotten the time of the game (she worries about my memory!! sheesh!!). Anyway, I told her I was on my way and she replied, “Well, it’s already the second inning!”……………….bingo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My plan was pretty well thought out unbeknownst to Meg………. or so I thought. I had been told that there was an hour and a half time limit for 4th graders and so I figured that if I left my house at 6:30ish, I would catch the last forty-five minutes of the game (which was still stretching my attention span!!) however as the clock slowly ticked down to 7:30 PM, I learned from one of the parents that it was actually a two-hour time limit!!! As I am now feeling a twinge of guilt for my lackluster enthusiasm, I hereby offer all of my grandchildren an apology for not fully embracing the opportunity to see each of them play an entire game. And truth be told, I sort of feel the same way about soccer even though at least the players are constantly moving (sorry Sophia and Sydney!!).
Have you noticed that there is no theme to this blog post? I sometimes just go wherever my mind takes me and apparently the mind had “no particular place to go” (some old timers might remember that little phrase was the title to a 1964 Chuck Berry song)……..Hey!!! I think I just inadvertently identified myself as “old”!)
I can’t neglect to give one more “shout out” …….this time to Megan, who having worked full-time while also attending school full-time, earned her RN degree last week and who will also now be diagnosing every little ache and pain and memory lapse her Mother has!!!! LOL…………just teasing you Megan! Her compassionate and caring nature will ensure that her future patients will never want for empathy or quality of care. With a fire-fighter/EMT and now two nurses in the family, I should be medically well cared for in my older age (to which I have really and truly not yet arrived, FYI!!). In preparation for the graduation ceremony, Megan somewhat reluctantly joined a few of her classmates in decorating their caps in order to be better able to identify them in the midst of the multitudes of graduates. She ended up doing such an artful job that when she approached the President of the university to receive her diploma, he kept her up on the stage for a moment longer to inquire about her cap and to comment that if there had been an award for the best decorated graduation cap, hers would have won hands down!!! A picture of the cap actually made it on to the university’s website the following day.
Outlined in blinking white lights!!!!
Interspersed with the joy of Easter and the celebration of Megan’s most recent achievement was the sadness the Clark/Heubel/Scully families experienced upon receiving news several days after Easter that our Aunt Phyllis had passed away from a sudden heart attack. Aunt Phyl (married to my Mom’s brother, Uncle Herm) was well-known in our families as someone who, among other things, enjoyed bridge, golf and parties!!! She was particularly at her best when telling stories on herself. One of my all time favorite stories had to with her turning her car completely around………………. while still in her garage!!! How in the heck did she do that????? None of us knows to this day, but I figure she must have put the car in reverse, turned the steering wheel, then shifted gears to go forward, turned the steering wheel again, then back to reverse, then turn, then forward and repeat………….probably a hundred times!!!! LOL If only there had been cell phone video back then, she would have received at least a million hits on you-tube!! Aunt Phyl………….thanks for the memories :). Oh and one more memory…………a family classic……..the Christmas of the matching p.j.’s!! If memory serves me correctly, Mom & Aunt Phyl unknowingly discovered the same Christmas sale at one of the department stores and purchased……………matching red pajamas for the entire family…………..even Dad and Uncle Herm!! OMGosh, those really were the days!!!
Johnny, Cecilia on Aunt Phyl’s lap, Mom at piano, Kathy, MM, Jan & Jimmy
You know, as I continue on this journey of mine, I never cease to learn many more important life lessons. And while I admit that I have not always been a quick nor a compliant learner, the struggles and the losses I have encountered over the years I now strangely see as blessings. For each event has served to provide me with an opportunity for a greater appreciation and understanding of my need to continually seek God so as to find His presence in my life. I was reflecting on this while watching “The Bible” during Easter week. One scene in particular has stayed with me…………..it was the time when the disciples encountered a frightening storm while out in their boat and they suddenly saw Jesus coming toward them, walking on the water. This terrified the disciples who thought they were seeing a ghost. Jesus told them “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Peter replied, “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” So Jesus invited Peter to come. Peter got out of the boat and began walking on the water toward Jesus. But when Peter took his eyes off Jesus and saw the wind and waves, he began to sink. The point of my retelling this story that I know all of you have heard many times before, is that it was, for me, yet another “aha moment”. Keeping our own eyes on Jesus requires the continual seeking of Him through prayer and, for us Catholics, in the sacraments. It is when we take our own eyes off of Him and trust in our own capabilities that we struggle. Ohhhh…………………we control people are very, very hard-headed!!! Perhaps this passage from another devotional I am now reading will bring this all together:
Keep returning your focus to Me! I am always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. You, however, are only human, and you will lose sight of Me at times. I know how hard it is for you to stay focused on Me, especially when you are feeling weak or weary. So receive My grace whenever you realize your mind and heart have wandered from Me. And waste no time in returning to Me by praising Me in thought, word or song. even whispering My name – reverently, lovingly – can be worship.
Let Me have all your worries and cares. This may sound easy, but it is not; you are accustomed to worry-thoughts roaming freely in your brain. So you must train yourself to bring all your cares into My Presence, trusting Me to help you. Remember that you are never alone in your struggles. I am always aware of you and your circumstances. I can help you because I have all authority in heaven and on earth. As you come into My Presence, let go of your worries and cares…..so you can cling to Me in childlike trust. from Jesus Today
Let God have all your worries and care, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. -1 Peter 5:7
TNT
TGW
P.S. I started this post on my “political soap box” and ended on my “religious soap box”…………guess I had a lot on my mind today!!!!!!! LOL
On this tenth anniversary of Crick’s death, I decided to repost this from five years ago. So many times over these past years, I have turned to my Catholic faith which teaches that, ” in Christ, “things in heaven and things on earth are united”, so if we are in Him, we are by that very fact in communion with the saints in Heaven. Therefore there is no reason to believe that we cannot have loving relationships with our brothers and sisters in the Kingdom of Heaven. We, like them, are part of God’s family, only we have not yet reached their permanent state of glory in the presence of God.” This is how I like to believe that Crick remains present in my life………..as a silent and unseen partner on my journey to that eternal peace that he has already found.
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same…….nor should you want to. –Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
My family will once again pause to remember Crick today on this the ninth anniversary of his death. As I continue to feel this need to chronicle and preserve the story that was uniquely his, I am once again sharing this video I made eight years ago as I feel the pictures reveal so much about his bigger than life personality. In addition, I have included several recollections from family and friends which speak volumes about how this one “glass half-full” life has touched so many.
The heart, like the mind has a memory, and in it are kept the most precious keepsakes. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“I remember when Crick took us outside one winter to build, not just a typical snowman, but our very own igloo!! We built it so big it lasted until almost spring! He also helped me to buy my very first car, it was a stick shift and he helped me learn how to drive it and, after many hours of practice, he suggested that we take the car for a test drive up Cooke Rd. to see if I could handle it on a hill. Well…..I couldn’t make it up the first hill and we kept drifting backwards toward the car behind us. Finally, Crick put his foot over mine on the accelerator and away we went. I think his exact words to me were, “Well, you can always sell this car to someone else!”. He would always beg me to walk on his back and promise to give me all of the change in his pocket. Boy, was I naive, thinking I was going to make a lot of money. But……..he did teach me the value of a quarter!!! Over the years, Crick would put a lot on his back for our family.”
“I started thinking about how long I have known Crick…………it has been basically my whole life!! I remember sitting in our living room on Oakland Park and talking into a reel to reel tape recorder to say “hi” to him when he was stationed in Korea and then he would send the tape back to us so that we could hear his voice. Crick was also there for Jimmy……there was the day that Jimmy was hiding in the bushes in front of our house and Crick went out to gently remind Jimmy that he was at home and not back in Viet Nam. Who else but a veteran like Crick could have known what Jimmy was going through. Crick was also there when I was going to enlist in the Army Reserves and he was going to make sure that I ended up in his unit so that he could watch over me………..he even went to the commander to make sure this would happen. For some reason I never did enlist, but I always knew that Crick was going to be there for me. Crick has been and always will be one of my brothers!!”
“It seems like a long time ago that Crick and I were standing on the field at St. Michael’s in our wildly unprotective football gear……paper thin shoulder pads, helmets with no face guards or chin straps, and for me,…………fearing the fact that I would have to tackle his older brother, John as he came blasting through the line. Life seems to warp into hyper-speed as we grow older. I must say that although Crick and I were never terribly close growing up, I have fond memories of him: caddying with him at York Temple, the fact that he seemed to instinctively know how car engines worked, and how he always exuded this sort of Gary Cooper type…….tall, dependable, good-hearted vibe, even as a kid. And if his presence is still felt by someone as distant as I am to him, I can only imagine what his presence means to all of those who are truly close to him. It speaks volumes about how Crick has journeyed through this life.”
And so it is that as another year passes, our family continues to honor Crick’s memory by drinking of the “glass half-full” and being “grateful that we are able to put two feet on the floor”.
May his soul, and the souls of all of the faithful departed on this All Souls Day, rest in peace. Amen
Over the past several years, the months of November through January 6th have become significantly bittersweet as memories of Crick flood our family’s hearts with a curious blend of joy and sadness. Today marks what would have been his 72nd birthday and so for those who remember him, and for those who never had the pleasure (?! LOL) of meeting him, I would like to share a short video to commemorate this consequential day. Side note: I always seem to find myself questioning the re-posting of the videos of Crick which are so special to me, but then I recall this quote, “When someone dies, you don’t get over your grief by forgetting. You get through your grief by remembering.” It is my hope that perhaps a certain video will stir up a memory for us the “rememberers” to keep the one who is gone from us alive in heart, in mind, and in soul.
Taking up the offertory gifts at Sunday’s Mass for Crick
Natalie’s note: Dear Papa, We miss you. Wish you were here to talk some sense into Nana when she talks politics. No wonder Circk’s nickname for Natalie was “Nat the brat”
Last night our family gathered at the Bairds’ home to celebrate Stephanie’s 45th birthday and to remember Crick. An annual tradition that began seven years ago was the release of 10 helium-filled balloons into the winter sky by each grandchild, complete with handwritten notes to their Papa. This year we added one more white balloon as we were joined for the evening by Deon, a little boy Stephanie and Joe fostered for nearly a year. With each passing year, I find such comfort and joy in the knowledge that even though the grandkids are growing older, they remain eager to continue this heart-warming ritual. Last night as I stood in the cold night air, surrounded by the entire family watching the balloons take flight up toward the stars, I could not help but imagine the smile on Crick’s face as if, in those few magical moments, we were all seemingly united once again.
“No matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.”
Crick may be gone, but he is never, ever forgotten by those of us who hold his memory close in our minds and hearts.
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same…….nor should you want to. –Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Today our family will pause to remember Crick at a Mass said for him on this eighth anniversary of his death. As I continue to feel this need to chronicle and preserve the story that was uniquely his, I am once again sharing this video I made seven years ago. In addition, I have included several recollections from family and friends which speak volumes about how one “glass half-full” life has touched so many.
The heart, like the mind has a memory, and in it are kept the most precious keepsakes. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“I remember when Crick took us outside one winter to build, not just a typical snowman, but our very own igloo!! We built it so big it lasted until almost spring! He also helped me to buy my very first car, it was a stick shift and he helped me learn how to drive it and, after many hours of practice, he suggested that we take the car for a test drive up Cooke Rd. to see if I could handle it on a hill. Well…..I couldn’t make it up the first hill and we kept drifting backwards toward the car behind us. Finally, Crick put his foot over mine on the accelerator and away we went. I think his exact words to me were, “Well, you can always sell this car to someone else!”. He would always beg me to walk on his back and promise to give me all of the change in his pocket. Boy, was I naive, thinking I was going to make a lot of money. But……..he did teach me the value of a quarter!!! Over the years, Crick would put a lot on his back for our family.”
“I started thinking about how long I have known Crick…………it has been basically my whole life!! I remember sitting in our living room on Oakland Park and talking into a reel to reel tape recorder to say “hi” to him when he was stationed in Korea and then he would send the tape back to us so that we could hear his voice. Crick was also there for Jimmy……there was the day that Jimmy was hiding in the bushes in front of our house and Crick went out to gently remind Jimmy that he was at home and not back in Viet Nam. Who else but a veteran like Crick could have known what Jimmy was going through. Crick was also there when I was going to enlist in the Army Reserves and he was going to make sure that I ended up in his unit so that he could watch over me………..he even went to the commander to make sure this would happen. For some reason I never did enlist, but I always knew that Crick was going to be there for me. Crick has been and always will be one of my brothers!!”
“It seems like a long time ago that Crick and I were standing on the field at St. Michael’s in our wildly unprotective football gear……paper thin shoulder pads, helmets with no face guards or chin straps, and for me,…………fearing the fact that I would have to tackle his older brother, John as he came blasting through the line. Life seems to warp into hyper-speed as we grow older. I must say that although Crick and I were never terribly close growing up, I have fond memories of him: caddying with him at York Temple, the fact that he seemed to instinctively know how car engines worked, and how he always exuded this sort of Gary Cooper type…….tall, dependable, good-hearted vibe, even as a kid. And if his presence is still felt by someone as distant as I am to him, I can only imagine what his presence means to all of those who are truly close to him. It speaks volumes about how Crick has journeyed through this life.”
And so it is that as another year passes, our family continues to honor Crick’s memory by drinking of the “glass half-full” and being “grateful that we are able to put two feet on the floor”.
May his soul, and the souls of all of the faithful departed on this All Souls Day, rest in peace. Amen
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same again. Nor should you be the same…….nor should you want to. -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
As long as I can dream…..As long as I can think…..As long as I have memory…..I will love you. As long as I have eyes to see and ears to hear and lips to speak…..I will love you. As long as there is time…..As long as there is love…..As long as there is you…..I will love you.
This quote was found on a card that I had sent to Crick while he was on deployment in Kosovo in 2004. A few years later, I accidentally discovered it tucked away in his dresser drawer. Thank you Crick for saving it. Notes such as these continue to bring me comfort in the knowledge that, while I was not always the outwardly affectionate, lovey-dovey, huggy person he often wished I could be, nor was he one to be completely at ease expressing his innermost feelings, we were both able to use the written word as another way to convey the love that we shared.
As today is the Feast of All Souls, a holy day Catholics set aside for honoring the dead, I would like to share a Scripture passage from St. Paul which he wrote during his period of arrest before his execution, from which I always draw comfort:
“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day–and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.” 2 Timothy 4:6-8
P.S. I am working on the Cliff Notes to this post (ba, ha, ha, ha)!! FYI….I am putting this P.S. at the top of the post, in case Christine can’t make it all the way to the end. (Christine’s eyes glaze over after reading 140 characters!!)
As you may note by the title of this post, I will have a story (or two) to tell about how often my family and I pray to St. Anthony, the patron saint of lost articles. We keep him pretty busy and currently have him on “speed dial”! With a few exceptions (such as the Christmas that I inadvertently threw away Blue Jacket’s tickets and several restaurant gift cards), St. Anthony usually leads us to the objects for which we are searching. This brings me to the promise that I made in the last post about revealing the mystery of the change purse/car keys. Remember to keep in mind, as I have stated before, that the only times I ever abbreviate a story, is when my scattered, cluttered, jumbled brain forgets the details. The details of this drama are forever engrained in my mind. This, then, is the “Case of the Missing Purse/Keys”:
The story you about to read is true, the names, unfortunately, have been NOT been changed to protect the innocent.
It was 10:30 AM on a Saturday. The family was preparing to leave for a week-long vacation at the beach. I had decided to take the car to the gas station to fill up the tank and as I was walking to the car, I noticed the newly mowed lawn and remembered that the lawn mower was out of gas and the gas can was now empty. Opening the garage door, I grabbed the can, put it in the trunk and headed down the driveway. I arrived at the gas station/mini-mart stepped out of my car and proceeded to fill up the tank as well as the two gallon gas can. As I bent over to take the cap off of the gas can, I placed my change purse on which the car keys were attached, on the top of the trunk. When I had finished, I walked to the driver’s side, unlocked the back door and placed the two gallon gas can on the floor. I then got into the driver’s seat and drove off with thoughts of cool ocean breezes and crashing waves swirling around in my mind. Upon arriving home, I left the car running while I put the gas can back inside the garage and then, remembering that I had forgotten something, went back into the house to retrieve the item before returning to my car to finish my pre-vacation errands. As I put the car into reverse, I looked up and noticed a message on the car’s instrument panel which read, “no key detected“. A horrifying epiphany ensued…..as I had a keyless starter, that message meant that I must have forgotten to grab my purse (which contained my driver’s license/credit/bank cards/$150.00 “vacation” cash) and the attached car keys from the trunk top. Fortunately, I had NOT turned the engine off!! I immediately drove back to the gas station taking the same route from which I had just come, searching the pavement along the way for any sign of the purse/keys. Suddenly, my cell phone rang…..it was Christopher who was checking in to see what time I was planning to leave for the beach. Hurriedly, I told him how I had misplaced the keys and that I was now frantically scouring the roadway between my house and the gas station. He hung up and made a quick call to Stephanie to share with her the news of the misplaced purse/keys and to see if she could help in the search.
In the meantime, I pulled back into the gas station parking area and searched the area where I thought I had pumped the gas, but not seeing any sign of the purse/keys, left the car running (good thinking, MM) and walked inside the mini-mart to inquire as to whether someone might have found them and turned them in. The female manager stated that no one had come forward with any lost items, and so I, who in my youth had envisaged myself as a female Perry Mason (LOL), put on my thinking cap (you know, the one worn by Tom Terrific of the Captain Kangaroo TV show) and began to wonder if, perhaps the purse had fallen off a short time after I had driven out of the gas station and some conscientious citizen, having seen it lying on the ground had turned it in to the CVS pharmacy which was just across the street. Therefore, I drove over to the CVS lot and pulled into a parking spot, shifted the gear into park, jumped out of the car while leaving the driver’s side door open and the car running (shrewdly realizing, once again, that I could not turn off the engine). Once inside the CVS, I relayed my hapless story to the clerk. After checking with her manager, she returned to sadly inform me that no lost items had been turned in that morning. Kicking myself for being so negligent, I walked back to the car with the opened door and running engine, and as I slid onto the seat, I took a quick glance over at the passenger side only to notice with horror that my large black purse was now gone!!!
OMGosh……..what a double “ding-bat” I was to leave the door wide open (to say nothing about the fact that the car could have also easily been stolen!). Not giving a thought as to how stupid I would be perceived, I ran back into the CVS to inform the clerk that it now appeared that my large purse had been stolen. She promptly called the non-emergency number to file a report, when out of the blue, a Columbus police officer showed up on the scene. After explaining the embarrassing saga of what had just occurred, he asked the manager if he could review the store’s video of the parking lot. Just then, Stephanie and Luke also arrived having been alerted by Christopher that their “looney-tunes” Mom was on the loose in Clintonville! Actually, Stephanie and Joe had each gone on separate errands with their kids in tow earlier in the morning, and having learned of my mishap, had driven straight to the gas station where Stephanie put Joe, Mayce and Tommy on the hunt for the lost items while she and Luke sought me out at the CVS. While the officer was checking the video footage, Stephanie, Luke and I went outside to search through the bushes next to the parking lot, conjuring up images of unsavory thieves who may have found the purse/keys laying on the sidewalk and emptied the purse and threw it into the bushes…….or……perhaps they had spied the open car door and seized the opportunity to snatch the purse from the seat, taken what they wanted and tossed the remaining contents as well as the big, black purse into the shrubbery.
Having seen nothing on the store’s video of anything or anyone suspicious, the officer suggested that he walk back over to the gas station with us to also review their video footage taken during the time that I had been getting gas. Mind you, both video reviews took nearly 15 minutes each, and in the end, revealed nothing pertinent. I have to say that both of the managers and their staffs bent over backwards to lend whatever assistance they could in order to help me to retrieve my lost items. Joe later told me that the gas station manager had even sent his employees outside to forage through the trash cans, and to scour the parking lot and surrounding area in an effort to find the purse/keys.
Not having found any trace of the missing items and no evidence that anyone had entered my car in the brief period that the door had been left opened, the police officer decided it best to get into his car and follow me. And so it was that a small “motorcade” of me, Officer Dave (by this time we were on a first name basis), Stephanie and Luke, drove slowly back to my house to continue searching over the route I had taken. Finding nothing en route, we arrived at home and while Officer Dave and I searched the garage area, Stephanie and Luke went inside to have a look around the downstairs area. Well………to my relief and mortification they discovered my large black purse sitting on the floor of the living room! It seems that when I had gone back into the house after placing the gas can in the garage, I had dropped my black purse on the living room floor, gone into the kitchen to get something and then went back out to the car without stopping back in the living room! Yikes!! At least, one of the mysteries was solved. I will forgo relaying the look on Officer Dave’s face when he learned of this!! LOL The search now centered on the missing change purse/car keys which we by now had assumed must have flown off the trunk of the car as it made its way up the somewhat steep hill leading to my house. I turned to Officer Dave as we were looking underneath parked cars and searching up and down the street and in the grass and jokingly asked him what he would tell his family when they asked him how his day went. He sort of smiled (or was that a smirk?) and said that he would simply tell them that it was just like any other day…..I don’t know, but that sounds to me like there must be a lot of crazy ladies on the loose in Clintonville!!
Finally, it came time to admit that all that could be done had been done, and so I thanked Officer Dave for his patience, his understanding and his efforts on my behalf, walked him to his cruiser and watched him drive off. Stephanie and Luke left as well and then it was time for me to go inside and set about the arduous task of cancelling credit cards, etc. As I walked into the kitchen, I noticed that my home phone was blinking, and so I checked to see who it was that had left a message. To my surprise, it was from a man whose daughter had spotted something lying on the hill of my street as the family was on their way to an out-of-town event and had compassionately stopped their car to retrieve it. Looking inside they found my driver’s license, searched for my name on whitepages and after a few miscues, eventually found my home phone number, but by that time they were already on the freeway. I quickly called them back and it was arranged that they would drop it off later in the day after they had returned home. To think that all the while I had store managers from two locations, their staffs, Officer Dave, Stephanie, Joe, Luke, Tommy and Mayce searching all over for that stupid change purse and keys; the mystery could have been solved within a matter of minutes had someone only been at home to answer the phone!!! Whew!! After all that had transpired that morning, I definitely NEEDED that vacation!
This recent little drama is but one in a laundry list of tales for which my family could be nominated as a poster family for lost articles. I am sure St. Anthony would stuff the ballot box in our favor. I can quickly call to mind a few of the more infamous occasions in which we have implored his help. For example, there is the notorious story of Christopher who finally got a brand new bike (not a used one, as was the norm for us), and would proudly ride it to his friends’ homes as well as to baseball practice at the ball field just up the street from our house. One day he came to me asking me where his bike was and so began the “interrogation”. I calmly (yes, I am sure that I must have asked “calmly”….it was only a lost $$$$$ bike after all!) questioned if he had checked the garage (you know the place where bikes are supposed to be put away when you are not using them?). He assured me that it was not there. Next question…could he have left it at a friend’s house? No. Next question (maybe at this point, the “calmly” adjective disappeared!)……Where was he when he last remembered riding it? Well, after much thought, he last remembered riding it to the ball park. When was that? A few days ago. And you haven’t seen it since? No. Minutes pass……………suddenly the light bulb burns brightly inside his head. Sheepishly (Thesaurus does not recognize this adverb, but I am using it anyway), he remembers that he rode his bike to the park, but walked home!!! Needless to say, when he walked back to the park to get it, the bike was gone! St. Anthony must have thought that Christopher needed to learn a lesson here. (If you would ask Jessica, I am sure that she would tell you that Chris has not been a “quick” learner!!). Oh, and then there was the case of the “stolen” Dodge Durango (yep…my family jumps from losing bikes to SUV’S!!). This particular story has Stephanie’s name written all over it. Suffice it to say that years ago, after Stephanie began living on her own, she called me frantically one morning to tell me that her car had been stolen from in front of the Clintonville double she was renting with friends. Imagine, if you will, the “calm” questioning that ensued after this revelation! Anyway, it was quickly decided that the only thing to do was to file a police report as soon as possible. Many hours later, the same proverbial light bulb that had eventually turned on for Chris, turned on for Stephanie as the events of the previous night slowly emerged. She now told her Dad and me that she “remembered” that she had “loaned” her car to one of the friends whom she had been hanging out with the night before. It seems that this friend who did not own a car, had need of a means of transportation for the following day, and so as Stephanie lived close by, she let the friend take her car and she and some other friends ended up walking back to her place at the end of their evening! Here is a question: What kind of friend loans you their car and then files a police report that the car had been stolen?? Fortunately, for Stephanie’s friend, she “remembered” before the police could put out an APB on them!
Oh dear………I am way, way over my word limit, but as I mentioned earlier, I never, ever retell a story without making it into a never-ending novel…..suffice it to say that this bad habit also runs in the family (channelling Johnny!!). LOL However, I can not depart from this topic without relaying yet another “lost” item saga. This one occurred just two weeks ago as I, curiously enough, began writing this post. This time the focus is on Jennifer. It was a “Nana TGIF” day. The school kids were gathering at the end of the school day to recite the rosary at the grotto and as Jennifer had the day off, she planned to attend and said she could drop all of the kids off afterwards. I was at home enjoying the peace and quiet, knowing that it was soon to end, when I received a picture text from Stephanie. It was a photo of some of the school kids and they appeared to be searching for something. Puzzled, I called Stephanie to find out the nature of the picture and she told me that Jennifer had lost her wedding/engagement rings and so some of the kids remained behind with their parents to help her to look for them. I decided to drive up to the school to lend my Sherlock Holmes sleuthing talent, obviously developed over many years of “missing cases”, to the hunt. When I arrived, I walked over to where Jennifer was anxiously reviewing her movements of the previous hour with some of the parents. I passed by students with rakes, others on their hands and knees and still others walking, heads bent low, perusing the ground all around the grotto. When I approached her, I said to her in….in my best Sherlock Holmes demeanor, “It is elementary, my dear Jennifer, quite elementary, to not lose your wedding rings in such a large grassy area, especially when it is covered over in thick pine needles!!” Okay, well, what I think I probably said went something more like, “Really, Jennifer? Your diamond wedding rings? How in the world does that happen?? Did they just slide off of your fingers??” Yeah, that is probably more like how it went down. Anyway, she explained that she thought that she had been twisting the rings back and forth on her finger and surmised that the rings had then become so loose that they must have fallen onto the ground when she got up from the stone bench from which she had been sitting. But after carefully examining the area around the bench, only a small wad of paper was discovered. One of the parents even got on their iPhone to post on Facebook to see if anyone had a metal detector to facilitate the search. Like any good detective, I questioned Jennifer over and over about where she had walked after she had gotten up from the bench, whether she considered that she may have left her rings at home, when was the last time she remembered having them, etc. She adamantly assured me that she hardly, if ever, took her rings off. If ever St. Anthony’s help was needed, it was now and so it was suggested that everyone say a few prayers to him as the search continued in earnest. After about ninety minutes of combing over the area, everyone had decided that it was time to give up the search and wait until a metal detector could be located. Jennifer, in one last-ditch effort, desperately called Sam and found that he had just arrived home from Watterson and so she had him look around the kitchen for any sign of the rings. With a few of us standing nearby, we overheard Jennifer’s deep sigh of relief, and turning to us, apologetically relayed that the rings had been located…..they had been on the kitchen counter all along. The person who hardly EVER takes them off, had done just exactly that. Praise be to St. Anthony!! And praise be to the end of this lengthy post!!!
Yikes!!! Just last week I published my first blog post in over eight months, and now here it is only one short week later, and I find myself ready to publish another!!! Actually, it is simply a revision of an earlier post and if you have been following Diaryofanut for the past few years, the post may seem vaguely familiar as I have reposted a similar version of the original every September 5th since 2012. The occasion is the 47th wedding anniversary of the “dreamcrusher” and the “optimist”….the TGW and the DH. It seems that I always, always, always become nostalgic around this time of year as it calls to mind so many treasured and bittersweet memories of life-altering moments from days gone by. Happy 47th Anniversary Crick!
Top row: Jimmy, Joy, Jay, Feller, Johnny
Middle Row: Cecilia, Kathy, MM, Crick, Lee
Bottom Row: Christine, Tommy
Someone apparently told Crick to say “cheese” LOL
I have always loved this photo of Crick’s Dad and me
Memory can only tell us what we were, in the company of those we loved; it cannot help us find what each of us, alone, must now become. Yet no person is really alone; those who live no more, echo still within our thoughts and words, and what they did has become woven into what we are. ~ Jewish prayer
This week I have been on a bit of a sentimental journey as today is the 42nd anniversary of the day when the “glass half-full” wed the “glass half-empty” and an incredible journey was begun. I have countless memories of the “good, the bad and the ugly” (which brings to mind the actor, Clint Eastwood…..which brings to mind an empty chair…which brings to mind a certain political convention……but for today, I will stay on topic, so that you may all rest easy!! LOL). The little strips of typewritten paper which I inserted above were several of thirty-eight which Crick had attached to thirty-eight roses he had placed throughout the house to be discovered by me when I had returned home work to celebrate our anniversary four years ago. Without a doubt, this was the single most romantic idea he had ever conceived!!! As you can see from the “new-found political activism” mention, the year was 2008……the year I became, not just any “nut”, but a ““right-wingnut!!! And of course, you will notice the words “stubbornness” and “ways you get mad” (I do believe, he just might have been recalling the “King’s Island Main Street incident”!!!………which, I must confess, was unfortunately not an isolated event!). I am quite sure that Peggy and Mark will take particular note of the “NOT my fishing and camping partner”, for no matter how awesome Crick tried to make the idea of camping out in a hot, stuffy tent, sleeping all too close to terra firma, among the creepy, crawling insects, the squirrels and raccoons, and those pesky, chirping birds; I have always, always, always preferred the creature comforts of home. And foremost among those thirty-eight for which Crick was expressing his gratitude, were our children and grandchildren, for whom we both always, always, always agreed were our greatest blessings.
I actually have been on a mission of sorts the past two days to put together some pictures from forty-two years ago, as my own small way of honoring this day and all of the memories attached to it. And as I was sorting through the various photos, and a few of the cards that I had kept of anniversaries past, I remembered something. One year, probably twenty years ago (gosh was 1990 that long ago???), Crick and I had surprisingly presented each other with the very same gift!! Now this is even more remarkable because we did not always exchange gifts as money was usually tight (due in part to a very stingy financier!!!). This particular year however, we shockingly presented each other with…………………a cassette (CD’s were just becoming popular, but we obviously were not on the cutting edge of new technology !!!) of a hit song by Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville titled “Don’t Know Much”. It seemed to touch us both in the same way about how we each viewed our relationship………and so I listened to it again for the first time in quite a while and realized how perfectly it suited us. I decided to see if I could put some pictures and the music together in a video format, and this is the result:
TNT (Till Next Time)
TGW (The Good Wife)
P.S. Remember that last wedding picture in the video?? Take a look at this picture some 40 years later……only this time the kiss was an opportune schtick to get him out of having to smile for the camera!! LOL
P.P.S. Recently, I was driving home from running an errand and I happened to be not too far from Resurrection Cemetery and so, out of the blue, I decided to redirect my homeward destination. Now, I couldn’t begin to explain the rationale for this sudden change in plans except that there was this inexplicable desire for me to do so. There is one thing about cemeteries……………..they are very quiet…………..and perhaps that is exactly what I unknowingly needed. Anyway, after spending some time in reflection and prayer at the grave-sites of Crick, my parents and my two brothers, I got back into my car and drove home. Several hours later, still in somewhat of a rather pensive mood, I was searching in my wallet for an appointment card when I discovered this:
Call me crazy (and many do!!!!), but I have no recollection of ever having placed this pocket-coin in my wallet. In fact, I can’t even remember purchasing such a coin and the only explanation for me having it would be that I perhaps gave it to Crick when he went over to Kosovo with the National Guard in 2004. Over the course of our marriage there were very few situations which would have triggered the giving of such a sentimental token, except for just such a dire situation as his leaving me and the family for nine long months!!! (LOL) However this coin came into my possession remains a curious question. Personally, I believe that it was one of those “God” moments which occur when we allow ourselves to be open to receive His gifts to us. As Matthew 6:8 tells us; “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him” and so knowing that I was in need of feeling Crick’s presence, God blessed me with the discovery of this pocket-coin which brought much desired peace and comfort to my heart.
And so, on this 47th anniversary of the DH and TGW, I hold onto this thought of Marguerite’s from the book, “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”:
“Lost love is still love. It just takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t hold their hand, you can’t tousle their hair. But when those senses weaken, another one comes to life. Memory. Memory becomes your partner, you hold it, you dance with it. Life has to end…………love doesn’t.”
